Hands up!
by JoseJalapenoOnAStick
Summary: Everyone knows Emmett plans world domination, right? Well, Emmett and Rosalie are stealing your money! Talk about a poor transaction. If I were you I wouldn't use the bank in Forks...
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 If I where human…

"I'm dead bored!" Emmett yelled and he flopped off of the couch. "This house is so boring I could puke."

"No you couldn't," Edward called down the stairs.

"You're lucky, if I wasn't a vampire you'd be swimming in bear."

Edward laughed and ran down the stairs. "If you're so dead bored, why don't you go hunting?"

Emmett shook his head, "Carlisle said that if I hunt one more time this week, then I would be eating rat for the rest of my existence. He's still mad about what I did to the Panda."

"Ouch, I remember." Edward said, "Did you really think that Pandas would taste like grizzly?"

"No, but they taste like chicken." Emmett smiled, and laughed at the human phrase. "I'm still half dead over here, I need inspiration."

"Hmm..." Edward started making a list. "Why don't you fake your death?"

"Carlisle would-"Emmett cut off and shuddered.

"Play with the electrical outlet?"

"I did that yesterday, I set Jasper's head on fire, remember?"

"Sorry, I forgot." Edward said and he took a step back, probably planning on keeping his head where it belonged, and not in a bucket of water. Jasper hissed from upstairs, remembering the moment.

"Visit the Denali?"

"Umm… Well I don't think that would be too bright, Tanya said that if I stepped in the state within the next century, I'll walk out with a certain body part missing.

Edward didn't ask which body part it was. There was only one part of Emmett's body he wouldn't ever lose. Not his head, not his arms, and especially not the clothes. Actually if Carlisle wasn't such a big fan of 'no public indecency' then Emmett would be running through the city of Forks butt naked.

"Fine, why don't you just rob a bank or something, I can't stand you when you're bored, bad things happen when you're bored." Edward smiled to himself but only because he had finally remembered to take the family's supply of TNT out of the garage. No more blown up toilets for a while, finally.

"Rob a bank?" Emmett thought. "That's perfect!" Emmett ran up the stairs, taking five at a time, and grabbed Rosalie off of her bed.

"Emmett, put me down now!" she yelled and pounded her fists into his back.

"One second, Edward just gave me a great idea." Emmett said and he grabbed the keys to Mr. Jeep out of his pocket.

"Seriously, Emmett?" Edward asked.

"Yep." Emmett called back and he flew out the doors.

"What bank are you going to rob?"

"First, Fork's City Bank, then the world's." Emmett sang as he chucked Rosalie into the shotgun seat and leaped into the driver's side. He sped out of the driveway and didn't stop; in fact, he was doing 100 before he hit the city's limits.

"Havoc, here we come." And he hugged Rosalie.

"To chaos!" Rosalie yelled happily and she beeped the horn at upcoming traffic.


	2. Futuristic Barf

Chapter 2 Futuristic Barf

"Baby, just put on the bandana."

"No, it'll ruin my hair; do you know how long it took me to get it this straight? I was practically burning it off with the straighter." Rosalie argued.

Emmett shook his head like he was trying to get the smell of burnt hair out of his head. He knew that this was going to work, it had too. This was the only thing lift he _could _do, that wasn't illegal, well… Emmett thought. I am undead; maybe those laws don't count with me…

Emmett parked Mr. Jeep into a parking spot in front of Forks City Bank. Rosalie continued playing with the bandana while Emmett started answering his own questions. No, I don't _think _so, I'm technically not human, and aren't they human laws? But then again, he did see an elephant get the chair once, which was cool! But it could have been a person in an elephant costume. But a waste of perfectly good animal blood either way. Emmett shook his head disdainfully.

"I wonder if human laws apply to us." Emmett asked.

"Maybe, I'm not sure honey." Rosalie said.

"Rose, the bandana isn't going to mess up your hair that badly, and if you think it's ugly, you can fix it later, when we're on the run."

"But there are no curlers when you're on the run, why do you think serial killers look so deranged? No hair curlers."

"You're right, I bet if Marilyn Manson had a decent hair straighter he wouldn't have killed all those people. In fact, I think that's why he was a murderer. He was so ugly!" Emmett responded.

"Maybe I should give out hair straightners to all the evil vampires. I bet Victoria could use them. Her head looks like its on fire. I wonder…" Rosalie stared off into space.

"Baby, are we going to rob this bank or what?" Emmett asked and took the ends of Rosalie's bandana. He wrapped them around her head and kissed Rose on the cheek. Rosalie smiled widely and put a double knot into the fabric.

"Anything for you." Rosalie said. Emmett took his own bandana and wrapped it around his face. Red wording said, 'up' in the middle and was traced with golden glitter. "Honey, why does it say up?"

"Look at your own." Emmett laughed. Rosalie looked down and smiled. Her purple bandana had the word 'hands' on it. It was traced in pink glitter and glittered brightly when she moved.

"You think of _everything_." Rosalie cooed and pulled Emmett into a vise grip kiss. Emmett smiled a huge toothy grin and hoped out of the car. Rose stepped out of the car too and took her husband's hand. Emmett smiled again and stepped toward the bank.

The vampires started their plans inside the building. Emmett took the right, Rosalie the left. They walked, hand in hand into the building.

The bank was a tiny little thing. On the outside, most tourists mistakenly ran into it thinking it was a bathroom. One memorable moment was when an elderly man had run into it screaming, "Where's the damn lou?"

The inside wasn't anything special either. The walls where a dim mahogany color and the floor had a yellow carpet; here and there where stains in the dirty carpet, thankfully none from bathroom incidents. Emmett remembered all of them. He laughed too himself as he remembered how the latest one had come about. A few years ago a worker had been ill, but his boss told him if he took one more sick day, he would lose his job. The old worker, did the next best thing, he came to work, and barfed all over the carpet.

Rosalie nudged Emmett in the ribs to try to get him to pay more attention. Emmett turned his head, left, then right, and upon seeing nobody in sight put the bandana up on his nose. Rose followed his example and they approached the registers. There where only two registers, but only one was occupied by a banker.

Thinking that the two were terrorists, most people had already run from the store. This included about four people, only two people remained, other from the cashier. This was either because they knew the two and knew they where having fun, or they where unafraid of Emmett. Emmett was surprisingly not terrorizing when he starred at a vomit spot for several minutes.

Emmett was surprised by that. They where so fascinating, they could tell how old the place where, or how crappy it was. Not only that, but Emmett believed they could tell the future. Not unlike a physic looking into the dregs of a tea cup, Emmett would stare at vomit residue, looking for curses and spells. In this spot he found money, suffrage, and old man's bladder, and a naked chick, wow, that would be and exciting day! Emmett was a really bad Alice though.

"Hands up!" Rosalie yelled, her twinkling voice breaking the sound barrier.

"What?" an aged man asked and cuffed his hand against his ear.

"I said hands up old man." Rose shouted and stepped over to the man.

"What?" he asked again.

"Just read our bandanas. See, this says hands," she pointed to her bandana. "And his says up." She stabbed Emmett with her finger.

"Well hello young missy, what are you wiper snappers doing today. I personally am headed up to Tapioca Inc. They have a special price for people above a hundred. Yum… tapioca pudding," The old man rubbed his stomach.

"I am no young. I am older then you old man." Rosalie flared and kicked the old man in the shins.

"Ow…… What did you do that for? I swear back in my day children used to have respect for their elders. They didn't go kickin' them!"

"Get. This. Through. Your. Old. Wrinkled. Skull. I am older then you, in my age, my wore big poofy white dresses. And dressed like something out of Sweeny Todd. We practically killed anybody who looked at us strange. Do you want that on your conscious old man? Because I personally have a friend who could lend me a switch blade."

The old man wasn't paying attention anymore. In fact, he hadn't heard a single word since he started thinking about tapioca pudding. Yum, he thought and rubbed his stomach lazily. Why was this weird girl starring at her? She looked like she was about to explode. The man didn't want any explosive's unless they were blowing up that other pudding company whose pudding tasted fermented.

"What about fit nays?"

Rosalie kicked the man in the stomach and he fell down onto the ground. The gentleman groaned and rolled over on his belly like a penguin. Rosalie ran over to the clerk and screamed, "Do I look like I want to see your face today?"

Emmett rolled the unconscious, ancient man over to find that there was another stain in the decrepit carpet. For the first time Emmett could decode the opposite of throw up, the thing that leaked out of, you guessed it, old man's bladders.

"Eww. This place looks like a scene out of The Fork's Old Man Bladder Incident." Emmett complained and kicked the man back over onto his stomach.

"All right everyone, let's get this thing on!" Emmett yelled and ran over to where his wife was slapping the clerk.


	3. How's my driving?

Chapter 3 How's my driving?

"Honey, Rose? I don't think that's such a good idea, he's not conscious anymore." Emmett complained. Rose looked up and snarled, showing all her teeth. Emmett took a step back and blew air out of his cheeks noisily.

"This," slap, "Is," slap, "what," slap, "You get for looking at me strangely!" Rose screamed at the unconscious clerk and starting shaking him left to right. He grunted in his unconsciousness and his face turned a deeper shade of purple.

The remaining two people darted out of the room and found refuge in their cars. One slammed into the passenger side of a SUV, and the other in the driver's side, slamming his head off the window when the door didn't open fast enough. The passenger slipped into the seat with as much grace as a snail with one leg and rubbed the bruising spot on his head where he hit the window.

"Dude, go, go, go, go, GO!" One screamed and started shoving his friend's shoulder into his body.

"Stop it, that stupid blonde won't bother with us, did you see how she was punchin' that cashier? It was like, WHAM!" The man shook his fists into the air and did a little Tango dancing.

Rosalie screamed, "What? I am not a dumb blonde!" and she charged out of the bank. There where two little gasps of horror and the smell of burning rubber scorched through the tension in the room. Emmett just stared off into space and laughed when the sound of abused metal ripped the sound barrier.

Emmett stepped outside to inspect the damage. Rosalie was sitting cross legged on the floor with a car's bumper in her hands. The bumper sticker on the back was still there and was flaunting it's gloriousness in the face of the mangled bumper. It read, 'how's my driving?'

"It's bad enough to enrage a blonde!" Rosalie shouted and her voice ran shrilly. There was a little bang as the piece of crap SUV crashed into a large cedar on the edge of the corner.

"Come on Rosalie, we got a mission, remember?" Emmett looked at his wife pitifully and when she didn't respond, threw her over his shoulder and tooted her inside the bank. He set her down in the middle of the room and ran into the room with the safe.

"I knew this was a bad idea, FORKS!" Emmett screamed and tried to add the last part on like a dirty curse. There was a loud bang and the sound of money dripping softly to the floor of Fork's city bank.

Author's note: People? I am starting doubt if anybody cares about this story. If you actually do care, send a review or else I'm going to stop writing this story, I want at least ten reviews…


	4. I Fought the Law and I Liked It!

Chapter 4 I fought the Law and I Liked It

Not until now had Emmett realized that he lived in a really small town that's national income was less you could count on your fingers. Fork's biggest income was logging which in its self gives you barely anything more then a dude a year being squished by a really big and angry cedar.

Emmett grabbed a handful of ones off of the floor and threw them against the opposing wall. He kicked the small layer of cash strewn across the floor and that started his tantrum.

"Stupid, stupid, tiny, inexperienced, excuse of a bank I have ever heard of!" Emmett hissed as loudly as he could and a layer of glass fell out of the window. He banged his fists childishly against the floor. Rosalie came in and sat down in the corner, shaking her head disdainfully.

"Honey, haven't you realized that we live in the middle of nowhere?" Rosalie asked and opened the large, red jeweled purse she had brought with her. Emmett lay down on his back and grunted out unintelligible noises.

"But, we came, and punched that guy out, and fought with the law, and, some other thing, for nothing?" Emmett asked through his temper tantrum.

"We didn't fight the law _just_ yet." Rose smiled, and then added in a cooing voice, "I hear sirens!" Rose grabbed some of the scattered bills and shoved them into her monstrosity of a bag. When the purse was bulging to the top she threw the dollars over her shoulder and grabbed Emmett's hand.

"Baby, come on I hear some of our wonderful men in blue." Rosalie said and yanked Emmett's hand as hard as she could. Emmett came a little too easily though and they flew out of the safe room and created a huge dent in the middle of the main room's floor.

Emmett jumped up first and threw Rose into his own arms. "This way that way, we gotta go someway!" he sang as the danced out the old doors.

"Hon, we got company." Rosalie sang.

"How much company?" Emmett asked and tried to look up from starring at Rose. "Oh, that big of company, hmm. . ." and he let Rosalie down from his arms, only taking one hand.

"Ummm . . . Emmett? I'd say put your hands up but I can see that's not going to happen." Charlie's voice came from several feet away and was amplified using an old microphone.

All the police officers where there. All three of them actually, two police cars where parked nonchalantly in the bank's parking lot, luckily enough, they where parked a few feet away from the get away car. Jezz, how careless could you be?

"Hell, you got that right Charlie old boy." Emmett boomed and walked over to Charlie's police car. He sat down on the hood and let Rose sit on his boisterous lap. Rosalie sent a dazzling smile toward Charlie, who faltered back a step.

"Yeah, probably," Charlie stuttered and a second police officer got out of his car. He was heavier, with a deep brow and a walrus mustache that spread taut against his frowning face sharply. He looked at Charlie with pity and grunted at Emmett.

"Look wha' you did in 'here, it's a bloody mess you know?" His deep accent broke through and he frowned even deeper at the two vampires. "What where you doing, I got two hippies saying you got their car all screwed up, an unconscious clerk, and your little pixie sister is sitting in the back of my squad car saying you two are pure evil. What the heck?"

"Alice, she's a real joker." Emmett smiled. "Sorry Officer Dan, I really appreciate your help, we where just having a good time."

The officer seemed unsurprised that Emmett knew his name. This _had _been the third time he arrested him this week. It was just too bad that Emmett's crimes where stupid and he couldn't be put in jail for some real time. Sure that would keep him occupied and out of the police's hair.

"I guess I could let you go if you give back the money." The officer sighed and Rosalie chucked the bag of money at him. "Well thanks, I guess."

Rosalie smiled deeply and tried to look as happy as she could. Unfortunate though, Emmett had to cut in and destroy the perfect façade.

"Wait you mean we don't get to go to jail?" Emmett asked and frowned. His original goody two shoes attitude was gone and the spirit of the deception came in on jet skies.

"Nope," Officer Dan replied, shaking his head like a wet dog.

"But, but, bu-" Emmett stuttered but stopped mid-but. "If I were to punch you in the face then would I get to go to jail?"

"I suppose so, but why-" Officer Dan's voice was cut off by Emmett's punch connected suddenly to the side of his face. "Okay, what the Hell Emmett, do you want to be so screwed up you _want _to go to jail? Get in my car, NOW!" Charlie jumped to the officer's aid and handed him a handkerchief. Officer Dan shook his head angrily and pinched the bridge of his nose to try to stop his nose bleed.

Emmett and Rosalie hopped into the back of Charlie's cruiser, while Officer Dan and the third officer, Officer Ignatius hit the second car. Alice was in Charlie's car now too and she was squished against the window.

Charlie set off and Emmett seemed to be enjoying himself. Charlie even put down the windows so that Emmett could stick his head out like a dog.

"I fought the law," Emmett sang, "And the law won, I fought the law and the law won!" He stuck his head further out the window and sent his tongue out into the wind.

"See I told you Charlie." Alice sighed and Charlie blasted his stereo to drown out Emmett's screeching.

Author's note: I would just like to thank my one reviewer, the awesome, twilightlover44 who made this possible. This chapter is dedicated to you, enjoy! I hope you liked it and hopefully I'll get a few more reviewers in the future. Read my story "Naked Cowboy" and vote to see who should be bothered to new extents next!


	5. Guantanamo Bay, If We're Lucky

Chapter 5 Guantanamo Bay, if we're lucky

"Torture, I have rights you know, I could read them off my fingers, see?" Emmett pulled his hand up into the air and started counting off the first ten amendments.

"Emmett, one, you're not being tortured. Second, the first amendment is not, 'the right to strip in public. That is illegal. Now shut up and sit down. _Please _put your pants back on." Charlie pleaded and sat down on the ground since his chair was occupied.

Rosalie was sitting in the one, comfy chair in Charlie's office. Emmett, who had now stripped down to just his underpants for no apparent reason, was standing behind her, caressing her golden hair. Rosalie smiled and took a pair of hand cuffs off of the desk in front of her.

"What's even the purpose of having _these_? I mean, the only people you get to cuff are Emmett and me and truthfully, these are so easy to get out of, it's almost a bore." Rosalie then handcuffed her and Emmett's hands together, demonstrating how simple in was.

"Well, let's see you get out of them now." Charlie sighed and lay down on the dirty office floor.

Rosalie and Emmett, in vampire speed, pulled swiftly out of the handcuffs, faster and more graceful then even the great Houdini. Charlie looked up at them, momentarily stunned by the legerdemain.

"I really need to retire." Charlie said, "Now, I'm imagining things."

"You're not crazy, and don't retire, we need you, you're awesome. What do you thing Officer Bleeds –a- lot and Officer Ignatius would do if we messed with them. Jail, for sure, and then some Chinese water torture, followed by a quick bath in a cauldron of boiling acid, and being stepped on to death. Maybe Guantanamo Bay if we're lucky." Emmett laughed.

Just then Officer Dan and Officer Ignatius burst through the door, with bottles of water, a large pot labeled, 'poisonous, do not drink or death with occur to you,' and a plane ticket. Emmett laughed and Rosalie cracked a smile at the occurrence.

"We thought you might be thirsty, and we got some foods for ya." Officer Ignatius said and placed the pan down on the office desk.

Dan came in and tripped over Charlie, knocking his head off the door and scratching his knee off of his own gun belt. "Come on!" He cursed and tried to stop the river of blood spreading through his pant leg. He ran out the door, cursing the whole idea of 'blood keeps you from dying' idea. Officer Ignatius just shook his head and chuckled.

"Bloody hell, that guy can't walk two inches without tripping over one of his own feet. One flat stable surface and he trips and bleeds all over the office. Man, he needs a new pair of legs." Ignatius complained.

Emmett was beyond words, he had burst out in a deep laugh and the thin walls shook slightly. Finally he gasped out, "Thanks officer!"

Ignatius sat down next to Charlie and took his own small brown, paper bagged lunch from his bag. He took out a smelly tuna fish sandwich and a bottle of diet coke and ate nosily.

"Ugh!" Charlie grunted and sat up against the wall. "This sucks, of all the things we could be doing and we're stuck baby sitting these two until Alice comes back to get you. This might be a while since she's gone shopping."

"Well, we could always go out and arrest some people, and party and stuff!" Emmett suggested.

"'He can't come, can he?" Charlie asked, standing up.

"Depends, they can come as an under- cover- cop, maybe then the cops upstairs wouldn't care," Ignatius said

Emmett childishly looked up as if to find a golden group of men in blue with halos to appear out of the Heavens. Nope, well not yet at least. No angelic singing of "Hallelujah" so all was calm, well as calm as it could be with no high pitched singing.

"Hell yeah!" Emmett agreed and Officer Dan came running into the room, guns ablaze.

"Where's the fire, Sir-Bleeds-A-Lot?" Rosalie asked.

"I heard yelling and-you know what? Screw you!" Officer Dan stomped out of the building, his cheeks luminescent with the deep red virus of embarrassment flooding arose his clammy hands. He slammed the door of his rusty piece of junk '60 pickup truck and started out into the street; ignoring all speed limits.

He didn't get very far. Not even a mile down, the abused motor sputtered and died. Dan climbed out of the car with as much grace as a drunken bumblebee. He slipped and brought the rusty door right down on his face, right off the hinges. Dan was left on his back like a transfigured turtle, with a door atop like a bad joke.

Ignatius laughed and grabbed his keys. "Come on we got druggies, DUI's and BUI's in the progress. Leg it!"

"Fine by me." Rose said and watched as Emmett skipped out with Charlie into the fuzz mobile. There was a curse and a small crash as Charlie hit his head off the frame of the car, trying to be cool. He used a selective amount of his own personal curses and Emmett slammed into the back.

Rosalie danced into the back seat with Emmett, and sat on his lap. Officer Ignatius looked up at them in the rear view mirror once they got on the street.

"So, you guys know any good places to hit druggies?" Emmett was sure that Ignatius didn't mean to sound like such an abusive crack user but laughed anyway.

"Of course!" Emmett mused, "The place on the Main Street. I see smuggling of all kind of illegal drugs, and _stripers_, tons of stripers. Take the next right."

Ignatius pulled into the next turn and slowed down. Charlie looked at the back of the car and huffed a small chuckle.

"And I take it you see a lot of naked strippers?" Charlie asked.

"All the time, why, there's one in this car at this moment."

Ignatius looked a Charlie, and Charlie starred at Ignatius. Emmett leaned over and kissed Rosalie's hair.

Rosalie just slapped him.

Author's note: Well, sorry it took so long; I was working on another story, "The Hit on Gotham.  Just so you know, a DUI is Driving Under the Influence, while a BUI is Boating Under the Influence.

Thanks Cheesethecat28 for being so supportive!


End file.
